Who am I? They often tell me
I would step from my cell's confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I would talk to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I would bear the days of misfortune
Equably, smilingly, proudly,
Like one accustomed to win.
Am I really at all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I know of myself,
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting with anger at despotisms and petty humiliation,
Tossing in expectation of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?
Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, thou knowest, O God, I am thine!
Most of us attempt to
shield others from the depth of our suffering. Psychologically healthy
people do not make themselves vulnerable to all. Sometimes we choose not
to add to other's pain by drawing attention to our own. That reflects
self-care and neighbor-love more than deceit. That does not mean that we
should always eschew vulnerability. Bonhoeffer did not do that. When we
judiciously choose whom to allow into our pain and whose pain to enter
willingly, we form a community in which we gladden each other's hearts.
Shielding most from
the depths of our doubts (and the heights of our joys) can feel
dishonest. When that feeling invades our peace, it helps to remember
when we have chosen to lift that shield. To support his fellow prisoners
and to confront his captors, Bonhoeffer
... would talk to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.
He chose to convey himself as one whose spirit prison bars could not bind. Far from exhibiting hypocrisy, his choice reflected
... something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved[.]
His captors could murder but not defeat him because
Whoever I am, thou knowest, O God, I am thine!
People
who embrace the proclamation of Easter know suffering, pain,
disappointment, defeat, and death. Yet, they believe and use their lives
to proclaim that darkness yields to light, hope shatters despair, life
overcomes death, and trust in God diminishes fear. Thanks be to God for
followers of Jesus, like Bonhoeffer, who deliver that message in the
best and worst of times.
Several
MWPC members asked me to repeat often these words from my Day of
Resurrection proclamation, "Jesus was not raised to be venerated; he was
raised to be followed." In light of those words, where and how are we
allowing the Easter message to speak to, in, and through us? Expressions
of hope, faith, and love sometimes seem to deny our struggles and
weaknesses. Don't fall into the temptation of believing that. Choosing
to have hope, faith, and love simply and powerfully reflects whose we
are.
Happy Easter!
LP
My son-in-law gave me Dietrich Bonhoeffer's biography. After reading it and asking his permission, I placed it in the MWPC library for others to enjoy. It is a powerful story, and I think, but am not surprised, that L P "got it right."
ReplyDeleteCharles. W.